A Great New Game

Playing with my 3-year-old daughter Kaitlyn this morning, we invented a magical new language! We took the first syllable of our first names and repeated it three times, creating wonderful new names for ourselves. Daddy became "Da Da Da." Mommy was "Ma ma ma." Grammy, of course, was re-christened "Gra Gra Gra." We giggled joyously as her brother Jonathan became "Jah Jah Jah." It was surely a bonding moment that we would remember warmly as the years passed. I could see us at her graduation, her wedding day, the birth of her first child, re-naming people together and smiling at this silly private joke from her childhood. But then suddenly, disaster struck. It occurred to me right before she said it what "Kaitlyn" was going to turn into. And sure enough, she then spent the next hour smiling broadly, proclaiming to everyone her deep affection for the KKK. And I just know this is going to get worse before it gets better. There's no doubt in my mind that someday soon, when I least expect it, I'll be at an open house at her kindergarten and another parent will ask, "Oh, are you Kaitlyn's Dad?" and then begin punching me repeatedly in the face. And the sad thing is, they won't be wrong to do it.

The Perfect Setup

I think I may have stumbled onto the perfect joke setup. It goes like this:

"I like my eggs like I like my women..."

Think about it. There is no punchline you can follow that up with that isn't funny. Fried. Poached. Scrambled. Deviled. Over-Easy. Under-cooked and runny. Painted bright colors for Easter. Lying discarded on the barn floor. Gestating inside of a chicken. There's no way to mess this joke up. It's absolutely zen-like in its perfection.

Well, okay, I guess "battered" isn't funny. But you gotta admit, it still works.

Bait and Switch

I just received what should have been the most awesome spam e-mail ever. The subject header was "Cut Off Your ARM Now!" I read that and got very excited, and despite the fact that I never open these letters, I couldn't double-click on this one fast enough. Imagine my crushing disappointment to discover a pitch for "Adjustable Rate Mortgages." What a dirty trick! Where's my amputation? I'd already worked out where I could get ahold of an axe strong enough to do the job, but without a random suggestion from a complete stranger, what's the point?

It occurs to me that if handled correctly, this could be a very effective advertising strategy. Get the public's attention any way possible, and then go into your pitch. "OH MY GOD, YOUR HAIR'S ON FIRE! No it isn't, but have you tried our new steak burrito?" Or, "FRANCE DECLARES WAR on anyone who doesn't take advantage of this Saturday's two-for-one sale." I don't know about you guys, but if advertisers started doing that, I would buy stuff like crazy, just to reward them and send a little positive reinforcement. I'm good like that.

Movie Review: The Wedding Crashers

We finally watched "The Wedding Crashers" last night. Honestly, I can't see what all the hype is about. It was cute, and I did laugh a few times, I'll give it that. It was a pleasant enough two hours. But $209 million domestic? Come on, it wasn't that good.

Here's my basic problem with it. (Spoiler alert.) Owen Wilson is the main character, and he's a charismatic guy in full control of every room he's in. But he's a con man, working with his best friend accomplice, and together they lie to trusting fools for their own personal benefit. But then he falls in love, and he's forced to maintain his charade far longer than is usual, and far longer than is safe for the charade to survive. And sure enough, somebody suspects he's not on the level, investigates, gets the evidence, and exposes him. The girl, who had been falling in love with him too, believes that the courtship was part of the lie, and wants nothing more to do with him. And now he has to prove that falling in love with her was not part of the con. Sound familiar? It's "The Music Man."

But having said that, the formula is played out well enough. The cast is likable and a lot of the humor works. It's definitely a solid rental. It's just a little overrated, that's all.


Okay, I cheated, it's my own blog. Still, I'll take any victory I can contrive.

So I've been waiting for some kind of major life-changing event to drop upon me, motivating me to start one of these things up. And it's finally occurred, in the form of a Nickelodeon commercial. And thus I embrace my burden to report that "Kidz Bop 9" is now on CD, and that the set includes their version of the "Crazy Frog" version of Harold Faltermeyer's "Beverly Hills Cop" theme music, "Alex F." That's right, a remake of a remake, with both the original's instrumental melody line and the sequel's trademarked character's sing-a-long, imitated by a chorus of children.

But don't worry. The Armageddon isn't here quite yet. No, that'll occur just as soon as my own cover of the Kidz Bop version comes out. Oh, it's gonna be special............